More Updates

This blog is really probably more for myself than anyone else, but thanks to those of you who do check it from time to time! A lot has gone on since my last post. I have been diagnosed with Gestational Diabetes and am living through it. The Lord has been so faithful yet again to give me the courage to make it through. It is not fun but it is also not life threatening! I had an uncle die also. My dads brother. Mom and I took a whirlwind trip down to the funeral and back in a day (about 2.5 hour drive) and we also went to visit another uncle who is very sick. The day was great in that Mom and I had some good one on one time but the funeral part was by the best word that I can find, oppressive! How do you cope if you have no hope? I mean really, I struggle sometimes with coping and I DO have hope, but to live everyday not knowing, man, I just guess that I would be like the rest of the family that I am talking about. Now, do not misunderstand me, I want to have a heart for the lost and compassion on those who are seeking the Lord or who don't yet know him, but I felt as though I could not even function. I had prayed and asked several of my closest friends to pray for boldness and grace for me and the Lord did answer. Every opportunity we got, we talked about the Lord and asked questions (to God be the glory!) but, everything fell on deaf ears. Now, I know and believe that it is the Lord that changes hearts and so really we just planted more seeds, but at one point during the funeral, I literally wanted to jump up and shout "you have this all wrong" I wanted to say to the "chaplain", what Bible do you read? I was not all that emotional at the funeral in the beginning but the more the chaplain spoke, the angrier I got and then, I just lost it....I got so upset. I know that I can be dramatic but please bear with me here...at one point I looked at my mom and said "if God chose to strike us down right here, He would be justified in doing so because of the heresy that was spoken at the funeral. (I know that at any moment the Lord is justified in doing whatever He wants but just go with me on this one)....I have 2 family members that I could find that are believers....since my dad died, I have sort of lost contact with his side of the family....much to my shame, but partly because I do not "belong" there....does that make sense? I know they are my family, but I am so different now...(god forgive me for sounding "holier than thou")...I guess what I am really wondering is what do I have to lose at this point if I send them all a letter. The brave thing to do would be to call them and have a one on one phone call but the letter might be the better approach. There are not enough words nor room in this box to say all that I want to say. I walked away so convicted about so many things....and on top of that, our youth pastor is killing it with his messages on Wed nights! So, based on what he taught last night, do I have REAL FAITH? The faith like the Royal Servant who begged God to heal his son or the faith of Abraham who was pleased to follow our Lords command to sacrifice his son? Do I have the faith that the Lord can heal a broken broken family and save their dying souls? You would just have to have heard the lesson....One of the things that Tim said was that the Lord does hear our prayers but He will always deal with us on the most important issue first-spiritually! Oh Father, please deal with me in whatever way YOU see fit! You have taken me many places I did not want to go but you have never left me there alone. Thank you that you are NOT a god that I can control but rather a just and loving father who controls all things. Help me with my heart attitude and clean out the junk! Thank you Lord for who you are and how you work. I love you o lord my strength. In Jesus name...Amen