First off, I know that our feelings can and do deceive us. Believe me, I am well aware of that. But, today, I feel done. The past two weeks have been rough for me. Not rough like what my missionary friend in Africa has been dealing with, Lord knows, I would DIE. Not rough like families who get that phone call that they will never see their son again who is serving his country. No, not rough like that. Just rough like, hard, emotional, draining. So many sin issues looking me right in the face. So many wrong thoughts going through my mind. So many moments where I find myself thinking, "this can't be right"....It has been a rough two weeks.
I have been studying the Attributes of God for going on three weeks now, and I know that I know all of these truths....I DO believe that God is sovereign, I do believe that he is all powerful and all knowing. I believe all those things, but find it hard to live like I believe it. Isn't that sad? Doesn't it grieve the heart of God who time and time again shows me a better way? I believe that it does. But, I also believe that it is what draws me to Him, keeps me needy and fully relying on Him.
I wish that I could move past certain sins....I know that God gives victory and I have seen small small, glimpses of growth. But, to me, the growth is not fast enough!!! :) which is another sin issue!
I see women who appear to have it all together and I know, this is NOT me. I watch people with their kids who never appear to get angry or lose it. Just today, I lost it on more than one occasion and once I lost it big time. Really, when it comes down to it, it is rarely the immediate situation that has done me in, it is the culmination of events and then I feel helpless and done.
I know life is not a hallmark movie but often times, I want it to be. I want my kids to remember only good things and nothing bad. I pray sometimes that God would allow them to forget all the ugliness they have seen from me and only remember the times that I showed them the love of Christ. I am thankful that as my friend says, "He fills in the gaps".
I recently had a conversation where there was tension and on my end tears but also reconciliation and at one point of the conversation, I said, "I am not sure how to end this, do we just hang up now or what?" And that is how I feel about my current "situation"....I don't know how to end it....I mean, I do know how.....I need to lean into the Lord and fall on my face before Him. But, I feel done. Not with the Lord, but with myself. At the end of ourselves, is often where the Lord wants us so that we can more fully see His love and care for us. So, for now, I rest in the Lord...( well, I try to rest in the Lord, generally, I Wrestle with the Lord and strive) for now, I am going to try to BE still and know that He is God......